The Headmaster's Office
by Spiral Downwards
Summary: Harry gets summoned to the headmaster's office to discuss another plot on taking Voldemort's life, much to his displeasure. And Snape, well he's just suffering through the experience as well. Crack. Crazy Dumbledore. Drabblish.
1. Chapter 1

**The Headmaster's Office**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter.

**AN: **With this story I offer no commitment. It will be updated randomly if at all. I don't know if there will be romance in this story, if there is it's most likely going to be slash, fair warning for those who don't like slash. It's mainly being written for stress release. That being said, I hope you still enjoy reading this. Just, don't expect too much from it.

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"Harry, my boy, I'm sure I've got it this time," Dumbledore beamed at his two favorite students sitting across from him, while reclining in his chair and rubbing his hands together. To be fair only one was still his student, Severus Snape had actually graduated many years ago.

Harry winced and looked at his headmaster with trepidation. Not _another_ scheme, it would make the third one this month. He looked at Snape hoping he was dreading the words leaving the professor's mouth as much as him. He was awarded with the sight of Snape looking at the ceiling, apparently asking a higher power for assistance.

"Professor, perhaps we should hold off on our attempts to get rid of Voldemort. At least for a little while," Harry suggested with little hope of Dumbledore agreeing. Snape seemingly gave up on a higher power and was now looking decidedly like he was wishing himself anywhere but in the headmaster's office.

"Nonsense my boy, we have an opportunity and we _must _take it. We cannot allow this evil to continue," the headmaster slammed his fists onto his desk at the last word and rose from his seat to pace. "We must do it for ourselves. We must do it for the future, for our children. We must do it for the puppies," Dumbledore smiled grandly stopping his pacing to cast a pose.

Harry shared a puzzled look with Snape and mouthed to him, 'the puppies'? Snape shrugged his shoulders after a minute and went back to pretending he was anywhere but his current location.

"Sir, I understand why you feel we must respond with urgency," Harry began trying for diplomacy, "but don't you think in the long run things would work out better if we waited a bit and discussed a well thought out plan between the three of us?"

"Harry, time is of the essence we must act now," Dumbledore shouted. The man went to his desk and grabbed a long narrow packaged from his desk and handed it to Harry. "So, here is the horn of a unicorn. I fashioned it into a dagger and if you can just manage to jab it through Voldemort's heart I'm sure the pureness of the unicorn will eradicate the evilness of the dark lord."

Harry looked up at his professor with a raised eyebrow, very much not amused.

"So, I'm going to be doing this?"

"Yes."

"By myself?"

"Naturally, my boy"

"With an untested magical weapon that _you_ made."

"Exactly"

"With no back up."

"We will be with you in _spirit._"

"And I'm supposed to find Voldemort's hideout, Voldemort's _unknown_ hideout. Get passed the wards. Fight through countless death eaters. Avoid certain death, somehow win or avoid a duel with Voldemort and subsequently stab him in the heart…With a weapon we have no proof will have any effect whatsoever?"

"I'm glad to see you were able to keep up, my boy." Dumbledore beamed at Harry.

Harry began to rise from his chair, "Yeah, I think I'm going to pass Headmaster."

Dumbledore shook his head, grin still plastered on his face, "Nonsense, my boy."

And with that Harry Potter was Apparated to the middle of a death eater's raid, unicorn horn in hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Headmaster's Office**

Thanks for the reviews!

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Harry sat across from his headmaster, scowling at the aforementioned man. His clothing was torn and burnt and his hair was singed. He was holding his side with one hand, where a nasty burn currently resided. In his other hand he held a bloody dagger made from a unicorn's horn. Dumbledore had made him recount the events of the death eater's raid five times so far, refusing to believe his plan had failed.

"Harry my boy, I don't know what could have gone wrong. I was sure that the unicorn dagger would do the trick," Dumbledore apologized looking deeply disturbed. "How could Voldemort have overcome the power of love?"

"I believe the unicorn's horn had the property of purity, Headmaster, not _love_," Snape uttered before thinking about the repercussions of his comment. He steadfastly ignored the look of betrayal Harry sent his way for encouraging Dumbledore.

"Of course! It's so obvious. How silly, a _unicorn's horn_," Dumbledore looked grandfatherly down at Harry, "My boy, of course that wouldn't work." Dumbledore stood and ruffled Harry's singed hair before he turned his back to Harry and Snape to rifle through one of his shelves, thus missing Snape pulling Harry back from launching himself at Dumbledore. Dumbledore turned back around with another package in his hands to find both Harry and Snape seated once more. Perhaps Snape had a hand clenched tightly on Harry's shirt, keeping the boy in his seat, but if he did it escaped the headmaster's notice.

"Harry, Severus, I have figured out how to get rid of the dark lord once and for all," Dumbledore paused for dramatic effect and _naturally_ to give Severus and Harry a moment to fully appreciate his _groundbreaking_ discovery.

Snape took the moment to repress the urge to drag his hand across his face. It was best not to show any weaknesses in front of the headmaster.

Harry took the moment to reign in his temper. When he was satisfactorily in control of his emotions, he offered a fake smile up at the headmaster while simultaneously trying to detach Snape's hold on his shirt, "Well I wish you all the best with whatever it is. I'm sorry that I have to leave and miss the chance to hear it, but I have an appointment with Madame Pomfrey. Third degree burns and all." Finally managing to free his shirt from the teacher's grasp, Harry stood quickly and began to make his way to the door.

Severus Snape, being a double agent in the war as well as a Slytherin, was a survivalist. His instincts were next to none and he knew an escape when he saw one. He stood swiftly and bowed his head slightly to the headmaster assuring the older man that he would try to reason with the stubborn boy, while following Harry quickly out of Dumbledore's office and down the gargoyle guarded stairs.

Harry turned to head towards his commons room ready to collapse on his bed after dealing with Dumbledore. He missed the critical assessment sent his way by the man beside him. Harry had gone a grand total of two steps before he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Mister Potter, the infirmary is in the other direction," Snape told him curtly. Harry found himself being turn around and half led, half shoved towards the infirmary, "If you think I'm going to allow you to skip our next meeting with the headmaster simply because you wished to behave like an idiot and ignored an injury like that and died in your sleep, you will find yourself deeply mistaken. I refuse to be forced to endure that man alone."

Harry was slightly annoyed by the hand on his shoulder pushing him along at a slightly uncomfortable pace. After a particularly jarring step he couldn't hold back a wince, the pressure from the hand lessened almost instantly and they continued at a more sedate pace.


	3. Chapter 3

I completely ripped off a line from _Supernatural_ in this chapter. Fans of the show will know it the second they read it, but in my defense that line was gold and Crowley is freaking awesome.

**Warning: **Language, Harry has a dirty mouth

**Thanks for the reviews!**

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Harry stared down at the opened package in his lap. There was no _fucking_ way. Dumbledore could imperio his ass and it still wasn't going to happen.

"So…I am going to _kill_ him with love right," Harry asked slightly hysterical, looking up at the old man sitting across from him.

Dumbledore looked up from the letter on his desk with a confused look on his face, "Kill him?" Dumbledore chuckled for a moment and Harry felt a piece of his metaphorical soul die. "No, no my boy, you are going to _stop_ him with love. After all I'm sure if dear Tom was to develop a deeper emotional attachment to you, he would be unable to continue on his current path."

"I'm pretty sure hate is a pretty freaking deep attachment and no other form of _attachment_ is going to be made," Harry said in outrage. Dumbledore could try all he wanted,this was one instance when Harry refused to budge.

"But my dear boy a marriage contract between you and Tom would put an end to all of this silly war nonsense. After all one cannot rage war against one's spouse. Can they?" It was amazing how reasonable Dumbledore could make a completely ludicrous idea sound.

"Uh, yes. Yes, actually they can," Harry slumped back into his chair still trembling with fury.

Dumbledore frowned at Harry, "Now Harry I understand this is a lot to ask from someone as young as you-"

"Damn right it is,"

"-But you are not just any teenager. More is expected of you whether or not it is fair. People place their lives, their children's lives in your hands, praying that you'll protect them." Dumbledore paused to drive his point home before he pushed on, "You have to do this. You see that don't you?"

Harry looked at Dumbledore and opened his mouth to respond when the headmaster's door opened. Professor Snape had finally decided to grace them with his presence. Harry glared at the man who had left him in the headmaster's clutches alone all afternoon and then glared down at the frilly wedding dress robes, the frilly _female_ dress robes, in the package in his lap. He hated his life. He might as well be getting married to Snape. Harry's eyes widened. Snape! After all, if Harry had to endure this hell why shouldn't he drag his potions professor down with him?

"I can't do it," Harry announced with calm and resolute determination, looking at Dumbledore with a hard stare.

"Give me one reason, my boy, why you can't do this," Dumbledore challenged.

Harry looked Snape directly in his eyes, trying desperately to keep his shit-eating grin off his face as he lied through his teeth, "I can't because me and Snape are lovers in league against Voldemort."

….silence

"Potter, even for _you_ this is pushing the realm of sheer unbelievable a-"Snape began obviously gearing up for a thorough telling off.

Harry quickly stood up and cut him off, "Now Love don't be shy. The headmaster had to find out sometime." Harry positively cooed at Severus Snape, cupping the professor's face with his hand and rubbing a thumb gently across the older man's cheek.

Harry began to shepherd Snape to the door with surprising success. Snape appeared shell shocked, perhaps by the pet name or the hand of his student riding low on his back. Harry called back over his shoulder at the still speechless headmaster, "Please excuse us headmaster, Severus and I need a moment alone. I'm sure you understand."

As the doors shut behind them, Harry stole a glance up at his Professor. _Oh Merlin_. Maybe he shouldn't have done that. The look on Snape's face promised death. Harry didn't dare glance up again. He figured he had twelve seconds before the shit hit the fan and Snape began dishing out _crucios_.

"You have to understand professor; he was talking about making me marry _Voldemort. _I had to do something. He had a contract already drawn up. He is my magical guardian and he was going to sign my life away!" Harry rushed to explain the situation to Snape, while he still had all of his appendages in working order.

Snape finally opened his mouth to speak. Harry winced in preparation for the end of his existence, "Potter…if this backlashes on me in any way I swear I will use your organs as potion ingredients," Snape said softly before he turned and began to make his way back to the dungeons.

Harry looked after him in confusion. That was all? What the crap? Maybe Snape was going soft…or more likely had a soft spot in his head. It was strange though, for a moment Harry could have sworn he saw a slight blush on the older man's cheeks, but that had to of been a mistake of course.

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The line I lifted from _Supernatural _was "Lovers in league against Voldemort" which was originally "Lovers in league against Satan". It is a hilarious little scene and one of my favorite Crowley moments.


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